My Courage is Founded

It is exciting to note that many times we see faith as such a big deal. When faced with a situation, you become jittery and believing becomes a far fetched dream. I am not sure where all hope goes but believing becomes a very huge task. I once read somewhere that as human beings hope is a very big part of our mere existence. We eat, live and even sleep and wake by hope alone. Every night when I go to sleep, I am sure to set my alarm clock lest I oversleep. It never occurs to me that I could sleep and never see daylight. I still ensure that my alarm is set to wake me up at the break of dawn. 5 AM!

Weddings, family gatherings and even dates are planned on hope and faith becomes very evident but should you ask the planners to have faith that the financial needs of the material day will be met. They look at you like "slap you back to reality! We're getting to work... a fundraiser is inevitable and nothing is being left to chance." I have been caught in unbelief situations being reduced into a ball of worry and panic... such misery! Then, the time comes and the feared for happens with very little intensity or days roll by and it never happens! I get annoyed, that I never trusted God, never took time to have faith and even hope was nonexistent in the midst of the worry frenzy. Unawares, I wasted time and opportunity to look up to God without fear.

Today, I look back and say " it is indeed never that serious" A situation will occur because it was meant to occur for me to move to the next chapter of my life. I am excited to note that only God knows the future and therefore everything in it is upto Him... I will not waste today worried sick about a future I know nothing of. When I was a small girl I used to sneak into my big sister's room and take her novels. Then I would read them and never want to keep it down until it was complete. It is in these reading of "borrowed" books that I read a phrase that I remember to this day " fear makes the wolf look bigger than it really is"

I'm in God, He's in me. In Him I find peace, complete rest for my troubled stubborn soul, I am rich in ways I can not explain. My joy is compete. At times I will be sad and that is okay because He will lift my spirits and He will lead me. Turning my mourning into a dance. He will raise me that I may stand on high ground. He is my rock. He is my salvation and my true Vine.

My Own Dose of Medicine

In the last few months my son graduated with an honors in the "Know it all" specialty. There is no single thing that he feels he is not an expert in. Right from making eggs, to fixing the TV to igniting the car engine in all his 9years. I have not received this well. I want him to understand at every opportunity that his father and I and all other adults have lived for longer than that and most likely know more things than he has managed in this cool era of his digital life. And just because he knows more about mutant ninjas than his science teacher will ever hear of, it's not a guarantee that he is an information genius.Before long, his suddenly introduces "rules" that all should abide to. From putting his favorite programs on timer so that they conveniently interrupt me at news hour to "do not disturb it's sleep in late Saturday."
Before I pull can figure out the worst punishment as talking doesn't seem to help. It hits me hard, that he is totally being me at the same age. Going off to boarding and learning new sheng words my sisters and I thought that mum was the most uninformed adult walking the earth. We plotted, back biting and giggling at each other knowing all to well that she will never "gitch" any of it. Her sense of fashion was from Escrava Es-aura's age.... dark, gloomy and shadiest and there was no convincing us otherwise. Here I was, buying my son a pair of shoes which is "sooo uncool" and he refuses to wear it. Among all my other woes. Shrtly, my friends shows up ranting how the son asked her to refrain from talking "mama Mboga's language" to him. We looked at each other with retro and agreed as long as it doesn't get out hand we will enjoy paying this price and high five!

More than anybody else I know I have learned that the coolest thing is to seek advice from your parent, yes, she lives in the village... doesn't have to get up and beat traffic to the office BUT she knows so much more than I do. In practically every area of life! From living, raising, loving and ooh, she has alot of mechanical knowledge. My mom taught me how to check car oil, how to know my shocks need replacing and even changed my wipers!

Is that a clueless person? I can bet my life not. This is the knowledge that our children need, it is challenge, we must know more, see more and learn more in a day than they can in a week so that when the chance to impart it comes, we just ooze of it and benefit their little souls. Being their friend with such strict boundaries so that discipline comes first and knowledge second and friendship third. Tough Love and a life of balance we achieve! Growing people, is a lifetime career from God and walking with Him makes the experience all worth it and high five!

I'm right, My way

Here I am, inspired and confused all at the same time. Maybe I know what I want to do maybe I haven't the slightest clue. As soon as i set out to seek a mentor I come back punched and deflated, at least that is how I feel and now am beginning to understand that the world is a dance floor with millions and millions of rhythms and styles. I must set one, dance to it and then only then will I bring out my own identity. Only me can set the pace of it all. I can actually get a following of people ready to dance to my new style! How amazing a realization... in all of my 30something I have known this, yet it has never sank more clearly.

Here I am in my smart cap and ideas are rolling in, then boom! a bottleneck. For sure i must rise above it all. Aren't these what people describe as challenges? What if I rise above them... what if I let all comfort go... wouldn't I be a different person. When I write about love, about life and happiness I smile, like am doing now... no faking it. Amazing, life is good and am loving every bit of it. Fear will creep in from a tiny crack, putting worrying horrid thoughts in my head... making me a procrastinating old growing mother of two. DO I want them all grown and never able to look up to me for inspiration to carry their dreams to fruition, A big bold "NO WAY!"

I have got to get up and out, I need to, I must. Napoleon Hill how so legendary and truthful is how he put it " Fears are nothing more than a state of the mind" so this is the state I am in? When I think my idea is not good enough to implement? when I convince myself that maybe this is a wrong time? Or when I say am too busy to achieve it for now? People often mistake and quickly judge a bold person who dares stand outside of the "definition" that they have given you, sometimes when we get to know of this? We now want to strive to conform
- "what will people think of me?"
- "Everybody knows that this is not me"
- "At my age? Are you serious?"

So, I walk into the church hall last Sunday for a parenting talk... my daughter in tow, thankfully my son is all "cool and independent" not tagging along with mom. Time alone is a cool thing, for a 9year old the only other cooler thing is time alone with junk food every 2mins. All settled into the talk and I notice that everybody around me has a notebook and a pen, even writing before the facilitator is done introducing himself, I smile... "writing is kind of over rated" it's no use writing if you know you will never revisit the notes so "I will not go for a note book!" I am so attentive but even the facilitator's odd glances are not helping. OOOkey! I dash out and pick a piece of paper and a pen from the car... here I am, I missed some helpful nuggets, parenting is a serious career for serious committed people and he he! Am jogging my memory on the paper and alas! I remember all the punchlines, smiling proudly.

The one thing that caught my attention most? I learned for sure that for me to raise great, God fearing children, I must always better myself and yes, this has changed my life. Children are more like " monkey see, monkey do"  I must be intentional in my actions and deeds, it will help me move closer to my dreams and even achieve them all!

Battles Won and Battles lost

At least all success gurus I have read of have written in a place or other that the power within is what determines the happenings on the outside. Even psychologists have tried this theory and the results did not fall far from this fact. It is even said that illness is more than 50% psychological than it is physical. Interestingly, even an idea whose time has come uses the same analogy. And who could put it more subtle that the swahili's "skio la kufa haliskii dawa"

A lot of negative speak has landed in my ears from different quarters but it has all seemed drawn for a common goal. My friend has told me that dream killers are well alive and kicking and boy, have I not met many. Negatively charged people are constantly looking for a way to dispel this ever high voltage in a bid to free themselves of all the this slavery, because it is without a doubt this kind of thinking that sentences you to a mental jail of slavery.  When all you see in others is fault, never anything good. when all you see is how their features sit badly on them. Sad, bad and chained you are. It slowly starts to manifest and there you are a complete monster devouring on people's emotions, haunting their self esteem with words. We all have a human duty to impact everybody around us positively. 

I am awakened by the many writers who have written and shared words that touched and even changed the way i look at life. I am starting to believe that wisdom is not only in the depth of how much knowledge I possess but in how it impacts my life daily. While at my quest for wisdom, i have also learned that it is possible to be deemed successful and still feel inadequate. The opposite is also true. The book of Luke says it best from the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Jay block in his blog http://www.personalbrandingblog.com/the-8-enemies-to-success/ put it so well. There is absolutely nothing wrong with looking at all the negative things happening, including people defects. But as we look at them it should be through healing, repairing eyes. The kind that will make good of it.

Seeking counsel is about taking that which benefits you and makes maximum use of it. I take every opportunity to borrow from the ever beaming positive leaders. The are an exceptional lot and their wisdom is open for all. The secret to their success is no secret. it is open, it is within. Through their priceless words of wisdom they have taught me that success is in built. It is hard for anything good to come if it doesn't come from within. Amazingly, even the life I live right now the life I have wanted for myself and it is the limit I have put. Should I push the bar, it will be so easy for me to just move in that direction.

Now I know, that for everything I want i must own it from the bottom of my heart. For every battle, I must purpose to win it from within me and then go out and put a seal because it will already be mine. More wisdom everyday, is it not the perfect definition of the law of attraction? Living by Napoleon Hill's wisdom nugget I know that whatever my mind conceives and believes, I will sure go out and achieve it!

Split the Room!

Ever noticed how easy it is to just live through a day unnoticed? I have... and i know for sure it does not do me any justice. It is easy and somehow comforting to never comment, complain or even compliment. I mean you just have to live around the cliched see no evil, hear no evil and you're good to go. Wait, I used to think that but I have never been further from the truth. Always imagining that if I do not air my views nobody will judge me and everybody will possibly like me. Still, an opinion is formed by all who are present. Each of them makes it their duty to take you to their little court in the mind and sometimes in a gossip corner and dissect it all. Now i know, that it is a good thing because what they say is merely an attempt to validate their existence.

Now I know, the best way to live it is to be the best that I can be. I smile, because i have dreamt big but cowered about accomplishing those dreams. All the while telling myself that they are too big and my head is in the clouds. "come back to planet earth" I say to myself. But John L. Mason cautions me that I will never find real hapiness, I will never be fulfilled until i live my dreams. I am not doing myself justice neither am I being of any good use by being average.

I need me, to cheer me on! Get up and go for it. If you were to speak, be honest with yourself you would tell me that you are struggling with the same feeling. You are afraid of being judged by people who have no idea you gave them that position in your life. Isn't it just ridiculous that we like to hire people secretly and even promote them and let them take charge of our lives. Living life on my own terms is the best gift I can own. This way I will not care about how many people are for me or against me when i walk into a room. I will simply walk in and make a bold statement.
Split the room!

Life like a bar of Chocolate & A glass of wine

I am living my resolution and totally loving it. Having fun with friends, dancing at every opportunity, joking and laughing until my side aches never mind how mild the joke was... I have never loved life more. I am so grateful to God! everyday, I remind myself that I will live to see the Lord's goodness in this present time because the book Psalms chapter 27, verse 13 says it. And try God, He is so true to His promises, I love it! I think am dancing, just by the thought of it.

Lately, I have been living the life I always wanted... Loving myself more each day, loving my family and dancing my way into every new day... I have never been happier. I have drank more red wine, never mind its only a glass a week at most, if I took more I would be overdoing it. I have melted more chocolate in my mouth and savoring every moment of it! ooh and in the the process I learned that life is more like the two! You only have to choose to love it for it to love you back! Then, when you love it you have to strike a balance because too much of chocolate and sick! too much of wine and the rehab door will be the only one that will be good for you!

So as I dance my way into celebrating everyday of my God given chance to explore my purpose, I know for sure that I have to fold my sleeves and get to work. Keeping an account of how I spent my day suddenly gains importance. How easy it is to get busy doing nothing, at the end of the day I dodge my conscience. I refuse to think about how much I procrastinated, I refuse to see how that day went to waste because I did not make any attempt to move closer to my goal... Once in a while I get a bottle of wine for a gift, and say this gift came over christmas and even after easter I can still spot it tucked away looking as though it has only been there for a day! Deception. The fact that I did not make an attempt at getting it done does not mean it only occured to me yesterday or this morning.

So people even chocolate gifts can rot in their beautiful wrappers. I do not want my big ideas and dreams to go down that way. The same way I can not resist the bar of chocolate in my bag, I will treat my dream and big ideas.

Just like a bar of chocolate and a glass of wine and ooh don't they just go down well, TOGETHER?

Light up the world

Here I was thinking that the only permanent thing in life is change. Nothing lasts forever, or so I convinced myself. These exciting thoughts of trying to grow with every passing year have bore fruits, I have allowed myself to see life as malleable. An exciting journey of discovery. But it sometimes can be heart breaking when you realize that only you believe in this analogy, that everybody around you perceives you so wrongly for readily embracing it.

I am health freak, bad enough to count the amount of calories that I consume daily... hey! don't give me that look! Not because all I want is for everybody to be size zero, I ain't that either. I would in fact never encourage anybody to be lighter than the wind! But again I say, feed the waist and you will have to buy bigger belts. When everybody believes in genetic predisposition, I say, the genes have no idea how to be big or small... they only obey our commands they can sway in any direction as long as you show them how.

Amazingly, we all want to be better, wealthier, happier, more successful and ooh so fulfilled. But how can this be when everyday we wake up determined to fight to retain the status quo? " I have never been that person" we sometimes retort. Just because we are supposed to try something we never have...I never want to go outside and try a rain dance with my son because that is not what grownups do, I can't run, I can't change my hairstyle, I can't dress differently and just when you think that you are done with the " I Can Not" The people around you are up in arms resisting the change you have convinced yourself to make... and the cycle is endless.

An old adage goes " Be the change you want to see in the world." If I want to be treated with kindness, I have got to be kind to everybody around me. Sometimes the change I want is never about money or material things, so I go out and attempt to make that change but damn, " I can't" the bug? rears its ugly head and ruins it all. Back to Zero... I like this saying, so true, I had to borrow it!

 I resolve to be, the girl of my dreams... and hopefully that of your dream and when dreams gets realized, we light up the world!

Best of Now

Today seemed brighter than many days, waking up at the same time, doing the same things and leaving at exactly same time save for 5mins difference can become a boring routine. So I always look for something new about the day. It never disappoints. Today seemed brighter and the traffic was easier on my impatient soul...

Of all the things that crowned my morning was the realization that no day is ever the same, everyday is a season a time like no other. The trick is in savoring in its delight, knowing only too well it will sure pass. Good or bad. When a day passes it ceases to be today, it now lives in the past. A 14year old boy of last century- am not sure which years but around 1989 articulated it so well in his poem. It was a poem that appalled many, how could such a young mind think like this! But i say how could it not when all we yearn for is what we don't have and when we have it we desire what we once had and it becomes a hungry cycle of insatiable needs.

And what an eye opener Jason Lehman was in his Poem;

Present Tense

It was spring, but it was summer I wanted,
The warm days, and the great outdoors.
It was summer, but it was fall I wanted,
The colorful leaves, and the cool, dry air.
It was fall, but it was winter I wanted,
The beautiful snow, and the joy of the holiday season.
It was winter, but it was spring I wanted,
The warmth and the blossoming of nature.
I was a child, but it was adulthood I wanted,
The freedom and respect.
I was 20, but it was 30 I wanted,
To be mature, and sophisticated.
I was middle-aged, but it was 20 I wanted,
The youth and the free spirit.
I was retired, but it was middle-age I wanted,
The presence of mind without limitations.
My life was over, and I never got what I wanted.

Vanity Fair

 We are well into the new year, indeed happy that we made I made it this far, breath! But it is the things that I did, wanted to do, planned to do or did not do that made me want to relook into how I will live through the future. They say that time is the most powerful machine, so amazing that whatever you do or fail to do, time never cares... she never stops for you. It could be the D-Day of a celebration so huge that for a moment it feels like all else is at a stand still, yet she refuses to respect all this and passes by as though nothing really meaningful is taking place.

 When baby girl was born about a year and a half ago, the thought of her walking, talking and every stage of growth in between seemed far fetched but again the tick power took it toll. All i can see is a preview of a fine young woman who knows what she wants when she wants it. learning something new with every waking moment and being a subject of my study. I have often wondered when she learned to do the things that she does. Yesterday, I walked into a shoe shop to buy her a new pair, this time not the smallest shoe in the store... she had outgrown it just like the little dress that always fell below the ankles!Now a mini. Never mind that now the brother is almost my height... just the other day his father was helping him onto the bike.

As I travel through life, I realise that time will never wait for me to finish a task no matter what. I may choose to rummage through it in a hurry or Even shelf it. She will not tap me and remind me that am slowly running out of her... or wasting her. She moves on quietly but consistently knowing all too well that her toll will take on me. That tomorrow will be a reflection of all the events of yesterday, of how I made use of this powerful machine at my disposal.

I have thought about asking time for a meeting. where we seat down and agree on how we will live with each other because I feel sometimes that she is unrealistic, unfair and doesn't care. I mean how can she be when it feels like only yesterday that I was young and carefree... When I lived for the fun in my life and before i knew it she took of all to quickly like she always does. Just the other day, when it was my wedding day and all i lived for was the walk down the alter yet even that day she passed by so quickly as if unnoticed. Yet when i want her to flash off she is at her laziest, never in a hurry and here with me.

So I will not sit here and wait for her to slot me in on her speedy schedule because i know how dodgy she can be. I will plan then plan around her, take full advantage of her presence and exhaust her where I can because I know it may never come. I must make her COUNT! in every one of my task.
This morning i read about her, in Ecclesiastes 4:1, and it dawned on me... since time immemorial people have done things in her wake and put too much meaning in each of them but does any of them really count? how much do they matter when we are gone? Chasing time is in deed chasing the wind.
It is a vanity Fair I say.

Happy Thoughts

Lately, I have kept off this place. I have had so much to write about I sometimes don't even know what to write! In every single day is something new, something amazing, something that makes me fall right in love with life all over again.  It is the things I see, hear and learn from everywhere... somethings just have overwhelming lessons to draw! So I sit at the end of the day and think through them. Too many times I am lost about it all.

Love from my husband and children makes me see the finger prints of God in each of them. I am overwhelmed when I am late in the morning because I wanted to sleep for 10 more minutes and yet they wait for me albeit impatiently. This past weekend taught me ton loads of lesson. I could not believe it, so much to learn and my mind was overtaken once again! I saw the green eyed monster creeping right out of people who love, I saw malice but above all I saw love, I saw God. And for that reason my spirit went into calm mode and i moved on with life and my heart danced its way into it.

Today my husband celebrates, yet another year of blessings. So typical of me to be so excited for him as though it was mine. Over the weekend when we had his birthday surprise, I woke up so early. The excitement denied me a chance to sleep. I was over the moon... the thrill of knowing that he had no clue gave me so much energy. I did so much in so little time it makes me laugh! It was the job of containing my son that proved the hardest though. He kept asking and at some point I had to "bribe" his mouth shut. Its Saturday morning and we are on our way to town when they decide to go grab some water on our way... "ooh, what a bad idea" I shouldn't have let them go out together but it was to late so I hope that my son will not let his tongue slip, not after all the promising I did!
At the end of the day. I thanked God that we pulled it off... it worked. There he stood, in awe. We were able to celebrate this great dad and husband who has so much love in his heart sometimes I have to ask where it wells from.

Another year of love, blessings, and drawing closer to accomplishing dreams - and you will.
Happy Birthday K!

From the Foundation

I have realized how busy I have been for the last so long. Sometimes I wish for time to sleep or just bum. A week comes and passes as though it were a whirlwind! I have this to do, that errand to run and yes, so and so to meet before I realize its Saturday evening… on my way home via the market. Is all this by choice? Is it possible that I can sleep in late, wake up have breakfast at lunch everyday, if I so wished? I am still trying to find that out and more so the consequences.

This last weekend was busy as usual but the fun of meeting my husband’s extended family for an overnight gathering scared away the tired feeling that was slowly creeping in. I was elated by how his family bonded. One could hardly tell a distant cousin from an immediate one. The elder ones took the chance to give some invaluable advise to the young. These people care and love each other so much to see any of them go down the wrong road. How admirable is that! Such an amazing culture, no wonder they were all doing so well. Suddenly I realized that the picture you see of a person is a true reflection of their family values. It is hard for any of them to be shaky when they are evidently set on such a solid foundation. It dawned on me why my husband has so much love in his heart. Why he has such countless number of friends, good friends who know the value of a true friend. Who over time have counted on him and him on them. It is this foundation that has molded him into this wonderful being. Teaching him why being true to you and to the world is.

Now I understand why most people live such loveless lives. Living as though the world owed them for being in it. They move around in their combat gear… all they know is how to hate, revenge and are bitter souls trying to cut you in on a parking space. Insulting the inefficient waitress, complaining bitterly to the bank teller finding fault in everybody and endlessly doubting those who love them. I gather they are crying out for attention because they feel trapped in their loveless lives. Theirs is a foundation problem; I know so because after such a lovely Saturday night I was excited about a time with the kids at a famous monthly family function. Everything was perfectly fine until most of the teenagers who were obviously there unaccompanied started drinking and smoking away. God knows what these kids smoked because after a few hours they had turned all wild and uncontrollable. One boy was particularly notable… this boy was smart and trendy until he started falling helplessly and laughing as he rolled.

He made my heart sink, I felt sorry for him, yes sorry. Where were his parents? What kind of parents were they? Have they ever given him any kind of life lessons? Could they have allowed him unaccompanied because he would be occupied and not bother them? All those questions and more went on in my mind. I have repeated told my 8year old son that he can be anything, anything he chooses to be in the world. But should he ever choose to be a bad person, the world will be equally bad to him so he had better choose the path to being a person of good character, the reward will be obvious.

Raising a child is a challenge that intensifies with each waking day. As a parent I have no doubt that we are responsible for these little people and for who they become in life when they are grown. I just hope that each parent can raise his or her child to be the person who puts a smile on God’s face.

A day to look forward to.

 "Being with you makes everyday a day to look forward to," those are lovely words of love from my husband. Being married in this modern day can be anything from a task to a walk in the park. It all depends on the persons in it together. They say that marriage is such that those who are in it want out so bad and those who are out of it would do anything to be in. At times I have agreed, other times, naaah. It is in those times when the statement seems so obvious that two people who were once in love turn into monsters, they live only for self. Everything they do is driven by self gratification, they are a thirsty lot... all they do is hunt their prey until they nab the poor mate and drain them out their last. In these incidences that the similarities between man and beast become obvious.

 A few days before our anniversary, I met with my friend for lunch and she narrated a story that sounded so fictional it would only befit a novel. Mmmhh, a real life occurrence with the characters in the story so real that I could even picture their faces in my mind! And so my friend went on, to tell me how a man who had refused to take care of their daughter, born out love had decided to marry her best friend. A friend she had cried with when times were hard was all along seeing her baby's daddy! People, I know that whether this is wrong or not is entirely up to personal judgement but to me it is wrong FULLSTOP. We are fully responsible for our actions.

On a totally different scene another friend had something bothering her and she really wanted to share. I am not a marriage expert, I don't even think am near what anyone would consider their perfect marriage partner, but I know that just like a job,  in marriage you have to perform your JD and even exceed expectations if you have to derive any benefits and enjoy bliss. So we sat down, ordered and continued to chat she laughed when there was a joke and even joked back, then... she dropped the bombshell. Yes, they were having problems, nothing seems to work between them anymore. She has even toyed around with the idea of picking the kids and leaving him for good. I was dumfounded, because I didn't know what to tell her. After what seemed like hours of dissecting, we agreed on two  things. That she is part of the problem too and divorce can never be an option... marriage is a lifelong commitment. As we parted, we both vowed to make it work no matter what, because once the root of the problem is traced, a path to healing will be set.

In their book - The Promise of Marriage, RBC Ministries states in the second of God's Expectations on marriage that Friends, children and extended family are given a chance to see the kind of faithful love, honesty, moral courage, true humility, incredible patience and tender understanding that God can give in marriage.  It is in marriage that we taught the true meaning of selfless love, a love that does what it takes and locks out the attitude of "do your part, I do mine"
 So I learnt something, "Do your part and do it good even if your part is the whole!" because that is what it takes!

http://www.slideshare.net/tatianasimpson/what-is-the-promise-of-marriage






























By Heart, By Soul

Learning to Love

These past weeks have been long, measured through the events that unfolded. The experiences have just been too many but it is at the points that love has interacted with me that has brought a new dimension to living. Although cliched I agree, love does make the world go round. I mean, look at a husband and his wife when they are so in love, everything does work for them, their children are happy and healthy, their home in order from the payslip all through to no trash in the can. It is a warm home to walk into.

It has taken me over eight months to admit to this, that nobody needs to loose love. A heart must be full of love, love for God, family, friends, neighbors and strangers alike. There should never be a limit to how much love one can have in their heart. It is this very love that makes a 50year old look 20! Easier said than done. There are times when I have wanted my friends to be there more than they have ever been, times when all I have wanted is to receive, for a while. Although this never turned out to be the case, painful but I now realize that the damage is more and the loss greater if we do not acknowledge that we have failed each other and find ways of mending this precious garment of friendship. Lets move on, it is good for all of us.

Many times I have wanted to forgive and forget a friend altogether but over time I have learned that it is best if I would actually just disregard the mistake and look at the person through different eyes, for what is love without war? Yes I had a big fight with my sister, someone I love to bits, a girl I would never trade off for whatever diamonds. But look at me when things are wrong between us. When we can't sit through the night reminiscing, joking and laughing uncontrollably - absolutely no care in the world after all, I am with a group of girls who have watched me grow into the woman I am today. I am simply a wreck! So I reach out, I open my heart and say " I am Sorry" because it matters, she matters to me.
Last weekend I danced into the small of the night. I laughed with my friends till my side ached. It made me feel so alive. If it is not through love that I am able to experience this, somebody tell me what is! With love, it doesn't matter which day in July it is, I am warm. I feel rich even when all I have is one way bus fare home.

Today, I want to hold love dear. I want to tell the people who matter that I love them especially with their flaws. God knows how they put up with mine. I want to give as much love as the Lord allows me. Life is LOVE! I say.

When I grow up

As a small girl I watched an advert that always ran before the seven o'clock news. I guess it was for an insurance company, in the ad children often said what they want to be when they grow up. One particular boy caught my attention because he proclaimed without a doubt that he wanted to be like his father when he grew up. For him it did not matter what career path his father had taken but that his father could never be wrong.

Fast forward and I am a big girl, still curving the path to growth. Every morning I wake up and seek the drive that will see me through the day and bring out  better person at dusk than I was at dawn. It is futile to look if all you see is nothing, you are better off with your eyes shut. It is possible to learn something new even if you have walked the same path everyday for ten years but only if you set out to. This fact has not spared me, hence the need for me to open my inner eyes that I may see something that will draw me nearer to my grown up self. 

Everyday I have been challenged to pick something new from every quarter, it could be that little person in my "study of little people" or a grown person who has chosen a path that has obviously led them to their present. Recently, I spent the evening with a visionary little person, this boy commuted everyday to and from school in such a hustle. He woke up at 5am and often went without breakfast to beat traffic, connected two matts and the story was no different in the evening needless mention that at the end of the year he will have a national exam to sit. This he narrated to me with so much enthusiasm. He went on to tell me how excited he was because next year he will go to boarding school like his elder brother and eventually become a lawyer... that is who he wants to be when he grows up. I was awed and challenged all at once. As we parted ways I went away deep in thought.

Here I am, all set to for my daily audit of the events that have transpired and their impact on my life for the day. You see, growth is a long winding road with all sorts of distractions and it is easy to feel like you are the end when you are barely started. There are times I have felt lost or lost the desire to carry on. I wonder how normal this is. Every morning I get up and pray that my person will set the stage and I can hopefully cover the distance I require to draw nearer. In my quest, I have wanted to be one person and that is my  CEO, an amazing woman with a heart of gold and ooh, hasn't she traveled the road of life. This amazing lady fetes accolades one after another. Just when we think she is done growing another feather on her hat! Someday I plan to ask her whether she is "grown up" and if not, what is the one place that she sees herself at as a "grown up"? So I settled, eyes on the prize and striving to become. 

This morning, I read about a lot of leaders who have transformed the face of many sectors that hold this country together, did I mention that my CEO is one of them? Yes, I work with influential leaders, he he. As I went through these peculiar people's profiles, I met with one man, he touched my heart and moved my spirit. There I was all in tears at the end of his profile. I was humbled, that a human being of such high caliber has chosen to fold his sleeves and get right down to the business of improving the lives of poor village people whose own government has turned its back on. He has mobilized the corporate citizen and raised fund in tunes of billions to feed the hungry. He has adopted a small village school and educated over half a million children and he is not finished yet!

People, if there is a person to be when I grow up, it has got to be him!

Events Unfolding

For the last three days or so, Mike and I have experienced a near displacement thanks to baby girl. And am talking bed displacement.  But I think this little sweet princess saw an opportunity and grabbed it. She had been down with a fever since Thursday last week, sometimes so bad that we had to rush her to hospital in the middle of the night! Meanwhile, the whole house was empathetic. For me, the worst sight to bear is that of a sick baby.

Every time baby girl wanted to be held or a toy, we were at her beck and call. At times she cried for things that she should not have with a special preference to phones and remote controls. On we went, to pains just so she can be comfortable and get well sooner. Little didn't we know of the monster we were creating of her. Slowly but surely it turned into a manipulation tactic. A few screams and here you go baby... The night was not spared either. Whenever she made a slight sound I jumped and picked her up in a record time. After a few picks I decided to let her "borrow" space in our bed. Such a mistake! Baby girl moved in officially and any attempts at putting her back to her crib was met with a tantrum, in the middle of the night! replaying the episodes for three consecutive nights. All the while we are squeezed in a corner as she spreads herself on the bed as if she owns it!

For fear of crushing her delicate body, we let it happen. Morning came I was numb from lying on one side. By day three, we had had it so last night we plotted against her, in our plot it was agreed that no matter how much or how long she scream she will stay in her bed unless she's due for a feed... sure enough the screams came, three times a lull and back. When morning came, I was over the moon "It worked, it worked" I danced my way to the bathroom through morning preps and out!

Huh, now I know, a baby is only as wise as her little brain.

These seasons

It is often said that life is full of seasons, plenty of them. What we never hear in detail is the intensity and the depth of each. A prolonged period of any season will usually elicit feelings, never mind their nature. I have undergone a season of plenty myself even though am still not sure of how I should feel about it.

Is it because I am your usual girl? I am a young mother, a wife and a striving career woman? I drive a small car, so small that sometimes I worry the wind might overturn it. Just before I throw a pity party it is announced that I will have to pay more at the pump if I have to keep my 'smallie' on the road. This calls for urgent budgetary rearrangement. So I summon myself for a mkutano wa dharura. In the end the verdict is obvious, some days I will have to take a matt to work, most days starting tomorrow morning!

I get to work, no drama whatsoever, fast forward and its home time. The rain must have been on a timer because by 5.00pm it is pouring as though the heavens are pissed. Armed with my umbrella, I am half running half walking to the bus stop. I hop on to the next available matt as it speeds off. Only this time the traffic is so bad the kange announces " Mwisho, Mwisho." I ask "kwanini?" "Heh! Madam hatuwezi enda hii traffic ni mezesha, shika pesa yako." pushing a 20/- coin on my hand. I stand there for a while without seeing any matt and  I decide to walk on, Skipping and hopping to avoid the floods on the road. As I get to a very flooded corner, a bus charges onto me full speed and honking. I make what I thought was a quick calculated step only to dive right into the pool! As if that is not all the bus gives me a thorough head to toe wash! I am raving mad but I still brave the walk. A few metres down I finally catch another matt and head home.
As I approach the compound I notice how unusually dark it is. No, not again! by this time, I am freezing to the core so I dash inside the house if only to grab a hot shower. Only to find everybody in pitch darkness and as though that is not enough, the taps are dry wow! I don't even get to clean myself of the roadside dirt! Anyway, proceed to change my clothes and sink into the couch thinking... "It could have been worse!"

Travelling back

A popular saying goes " If you never travel you think that your mother is the best cook." This I have learned from the most unexpected quarters. For some reason or mother instinct, I have taken time to observe children, big, small. These little people live life, as though they are doing so for a higher cause. I  was like that until I let the toils of life flip me over. I dreamt big and I loved it... back in the village we had this plush greenery where cows grazed in the afternoon. Breath taking space it was, my sisters and I lay there face up, watching the sky trying to spot "animals" in the clouds. No care in the world!

Through my "little people study" I have had the pleasure of traveling back in time and am savoring in it. Why won't I when a little boy stands in church and prays vehemently, this boy has traveled to a unique place where only he and His God exist. And so he spills it all so boldly. Quoting scriptures and all. "Impressive, I want that" I say to myself and quickly move on and back into my life.

Monday morning and I am still deeply absorbed trying to focus. Alas! another one of my " little people" this time crossing the road beside me with her brother. A big bus coming onto us full speed doesn't seem to shake a hair in her. As we walk on, I notice that these little people are on their way to school. I inquire curiously "Which school is this?" From the name I realize that they still have a KM or so to take down. Through roads and traffic human or otherwise. Still, they move with immense determination. the shoes seem to hurt because they must be two sizes smaller that her little feet yet she walks so briskly. The skimpy shorts her brother has on must freeze his little tushy sorry but has he complained? not one bit. We split ways anyhow and life goes on for the rest of the day, pretty fast.

As I catch my matt back home another one! this time a colourful teenager who decides to juggle a soccer ball so skillfully he should be rolling in the international circles. I refuse to explore that topic because I can't even tell a British team from an American one. But one thing is for sure. These little people know life and how to live it more than any adult has.

So I set out to reclaim those days and hope to be back with a success story!

Reflections of love

Today I look through the window of life, my life. All I is see how far I have grown just by being a mother. How phenomenal this stage in my life has been. With the birth of each child I have been born, each time they have celebrated a milestone, I have been humbled, knowing that as a mother I live for such moments. One thing that has continually made me feel like a medal winner is the look on those little joyous faces; I now know why my mother gave life to nine of us and never once complained or made a fuss. We made her so content, each of us gave her a reason to have one more!

Well, I cannot boldly say that I have as much grace as she did, so I choose to keep mine at a meager third of that it’s not a contest and I am not trying to outdo her because I will fail ooh, so terribly. Kudos mom!  Hey, you can bet that I will still turn when a child calls out “mom” in church never mind that that child may not be mine or mine may be long gone.

Of babies and their unusual ways of complimenting! Here I am all dressed and rushing out before traffic gets too bad as it always does in the hours after seven. Typical of me, pick up baby girl for a good day kiss and hug... I never get enough of those but she has her unique ways of self expression.  I feel a sudden wetness on my neck but I still go with the cuddling and put her back to her nest. A final look in the mirror and Burp!

Meanwhile, the elder brother awaits his turn on the corridor. And his are verbal compliments that leave a memorable smile lingering on. The utterance of such innocent words as “mother Knows best” even when I look like I haven’t the slightest clue. This will normally happen when I prepare his favorites or when I bend the rules for him.

There is this nagging question that never will leave a good mother’s side “Am I a good mom?” It has a timely habit of popping up after a discipline session because then you wonder “was I too lenient? Did I overdo it?” Worse still “will it work for the good?” I have in many instances delved into this debate all by myself. In the end I have found comfort in the words “the fact that I worry over whether I am a good mom or not is an indicator that I am actually good at what I do. More so knowing that God has it all covered. I fret not.

And so my praises and love for this 24hour/ 365 days job, I declare. It is comparable to none. I never would want a day off lest I miss out on any of the joys all I want is more knowledge to reinvent my skill and the wisdom to derive more joy from it every day for a very long time.

 Mother's day Love!!